Break-up... Need not break you

I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny, but I found a virtual world full of folks who had gone through the same thing and felt the same as I had felt. That helped a lot.

So, for all the newbies who ask the question: will the hurting ever stop, or will my ex come back? This is how it typically goes down. We two break up; no matter who does it. We immediately panic and
begin chasing, begging, pleading, harassing, phoning, e-mailing, and stalking (OK, not all of these, just pick which one you did). Most of us likely do something during this stage that will make us cringe when we think back on it, say after 3 months.

We lose weight. We neglect ourselves, our house, our job (how many hours do we all log into these sites while we are at work?). We drive our family and friend crazy talking about the break up. We cry at the drop of a dime. We can’t even comprehend that our life might not again include that special person. We begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive us crazy. In our mind they have become omnipotent, all encompassing, all everything.

We convince ourselves that we are losers who just screwed up a relationship with the best person in the world. We KNOW without a doubt that we will never love like that ever. We know that no one else will come along. We wear a sad face for the world to see.

They (the ex’s) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them will leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those who leapfrog, they appear to just replace us with a new model. All the things we two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling, watching televisions whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new. 

We hear about them and their new life. We are desperate about any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back; yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.

For those of us who do still have contact with their ex’s, we begin selling ourselves short. We do stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that Sex does not imply hope. We, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching over the internet using phrases such as BREAK UP, LOST LOVE, or whatever. We stumble upon this site, pay our money because we are curious and lo! Behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this break up bullshit.

We voraciously read the posts. We search for news of those who got their mates back. We are on this site constantly. We will read the books and sigh if I can do this, I can get the person back. We begin our NO CONTACT and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex’s. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what we’ll get and receive.

Time goes by. You’ll do some stupid things. You will call your ex when you should not. You will call when you have too much to drink. You will call even if 50 people on this site tell you not to do so. You’ll show up on their doorstep hating yourself all the time.

Then you will get serious about your no contacts. It will hurt. But you will try to stick to it. Here’s the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex’s your no contact will either bring
them sniffing curiously around or they will be somewhere high-fiving with their friends thanking the God that you have not called.

Now is the tough time. Nothing but time works. Every day the ache in your heart grows a little less. It’s only nanobits that it dies down by. But every day it will get slowly better. You will have set-backs. You will run into your ex accidentally. You will run into mutual friends who tell you to do something about your ex that will bring you home for a good cry. You will see your ex with their new friend. You will receive a phone call or an email from your ex who does not want to be in a relationship but just wants to be a friend (with benefits if you allow).

Here is another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with its demise. If you miss this part, you have gone through all the
suffering for nothing, because you will be back here again. This post is here to teach you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It’s the reason that you are going through this. Don’t miss out the lesson.

Then one day you will smile because you didn’t immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you will decide to clean your house. And one day you will go outside and admit to the world that you are a better person now.

And then you’ll decide to mix with people freely. You will be ready to be amongst people again. And many of you will have some new dates. Some of you will have reconciliations with your ex’s. Many of us won’t. But one day it won’t matter as much. This is because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And we will be able to think of our life possibly without that person and not dissolve in a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

 And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That is the truth. Don’t want to dash the hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on the site get back with their mates. Sobering isn’t it? But as the site instructs, we must accept this before we can truly begin to heal or draw our ex back to us. For the lucky (or unlucky one’s depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex’s, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn’t reality, and what they once thought to be gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try to make it work because it’s comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it is meant to be.

But for most of us, life goes on. And one day we will find ourselves having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and we will think to ourselves that I am getting better. And finally, we will go on a date again with someone new and find that (a) if it was not good, at least I did it, or (b) it was so much better than with the ex I wonder why I waited so long to get back here. It does not always happen, but just a possibility. Thus we are on the road to recovery.

 I guess, what I am trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of the most of our situations are same. Most of us will go through at least something that I have written here. So
when someone tells you on this site that time will help you to get through it, believe them. When they tell you trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually, believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.

Don’t beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn’t (calling contacting etc.). Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving to yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative.
Even if society is beating into your head that you must have a mate, take time to heal before going out there. There are plenty of good people to love, just don’t go out there broken, jaded about love. Accept reality. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when
you first met you ex and get that person back.

And the universe will take care of the rest.